Wig Wearer: the man, the legend. 

I’m not one for mushy shite. Our wedding vows consisted of phrases like ‘foreseeable future’, ‘extremely fond’ and ‘pension planning’. We don’t need to fuss each other too much. 

But recently I have began to have a new and fresh appreciation of all the crap this mighty man has to put up with. 

Our whims 

A ride on a Ferris Wheel in Stratford Upon Avon. Eating afternoon tea in the caravan in our garden. A ride in the back of a pickup truck. A complicated game of cafes in a tiddly Wendy house. You name it, he indulges it. 

Fake it til you make it

Being sat on 

Our boys’ reason for being is to clamber on top of Andrew and sit on his head. They like to perch on him like deranged parrots. Then clamber down and sucker punch him in the stomach. William even cracked one AO’s ribs when he slam dunked in to him at top speed. Fecking lunatics. 

Pieces of eight

 All the questions

This man is the most patient answerer of dumb questions. He will never get cross or just show them the answer on YouTube. He will actually answer it properly. With patience. And a million synonyms. 

‘Daaaaad, why is sheeps called sheeps?’

All the love

We love him with a force that must be cloyingly oppressive. This is a man who went to boarding school. He’s a classic case of stiff upper lip and on with the job. And we pester him with affection and adoration and our constant need for his love in return. 

Neeeeeeeeeeeed

Today also mined a new level of awesomeness in the man whose only weakness is a severe nut allergy. 

This man was so tired from three consecutive nights of no sleep that he accidentally ate a bowlful of my healthy high-protein nut-riddled muesli. 

I left him thick-tongued, puffy eyed  and  on the verge of vomiting whilst I sloped off to work. I then phoned him every ten minutes whilst he was trying to do the drop off in between bouts of puking. This man did the school run in the midst of semi-anaphylactic shock. Whilst simultaneously reassuring his wife that he was ‘fine’.  Then went in to work and did two plea hearings, a cracked trial and a sentence. 

Dang. 

Small Moments I Love (but probably shouldn’t!)

Rough play 

Even though this involves two children smooshing their nappies/skid mark arses on my face and beating me until I weep, I love it. It’s probably when they make me laugh the most. 

‘Look over there mum!’ SMACK

‘Smell my farts!’

‘Sit on her head, Alex!’

Bathtime

This is the single safest moment of the day. The kids seem to be lulled by the warm water so stop trying to kill each other and I suddenly become very vigilant about not leaving them alone in the bath. This essentially means I have a legit reason to be in a warm room dicking on my phone. #win

Bedtime

TBH, I could sack off the Paw Patrol but I do loves me a Peppa Pig and it’s even better when I’ve got them both curled up on my lap all warm and smelling of bubble bath. Yum. 

The peak of it is bedtime story though. Love it. As long as we can avoid ALL THE QUESTIONS: he’s not ‘curious’, he’s procrastinating. 

Nighttime wee

We are still having to lift W at night: he has the bladder of a  postnatal mother on a trampoline. It doesn’t bother me though because I love scooping him out all heavy and sweaty and rubbing his eyes. I love seeing him pad back to his bed all wibbly and then giving him a tuck in kiss and whispering ‘I’m so proud of you’. 

Conversations with my Four Year Old: Christmas addition 

Tell us, what’s your favourite bit about Christmas?

Christmas lights.

Never!


What would you like for Christmas?

I asked Father Christmas for..umm… Lego

Did you do a nativity play?

I dids. I was a sheep.  I had to crawl. Sheeps crawl you know. 

What’s the best bit of Christmas dinner?

Jacket potatoes.

Really?

Yeah. And those sausages. The small ones.

They’re called pigs in blankets. 

Stares at me in disbelief. 

What are you going to buy me for Christmas?

A book.

What about?

Baby Jesus. I love baby Jesus. I want him and Batman on my birthday cake.

Can you tell me the story of baby Jesus?

He was a baby on hay and in a manger and the stars looked at him (plagiarism). He was special but then he met some bombs and died and went underground. He was deaded. But then he came alive again! And he say happy Christmas!

Bendy Legs Oliver

Alex boasts a wealth of ridiculous ailments, but his hypermobility has been as frustrating as brushing a toddler’s teeth. 

It’s meant he’s only just learnt how to walk this summer at the ripe old age of 23 months 

“So I pick it up and then just put it back down again?’
 

It’s meant that my body is crippled from carrying him EVERYWHERE and I have developed a permanent counter-balance lean to the right

Serious limpet

On the plus side, having to do everything one handed means I’m  now basically ambidextrous. 

I’m not one to moan-ha!- but Alex’s bendyness has caused some full-scale panics as I regularly lose him only to find him furled up in some odd spot. 

‘If I’m really quiet, mum’ll have to call mall security like last time!’
His ankles sag in on themselves and he drags himself along on the insides of shoes like some Frankenstien’s monster that’s been on the lash and because of this he needs super extra expensive dinky ankle boots to keep him up and about. 
£50

But it ain’t all bad because when he grows up he can be a ballerina or a contortionist or a gymnast. Although this may come as a blow for William because he has plans for them to be nurses and live in the conservatory together. 

‘This may hurt a bit’

Big sis

Holding me close and making me laugh since ’84
Because I’m a self-involved youngest child, I’ve never really thought about what a massive responsibility it is to be a big sister and how masterfully my own fulfills the role.

So now I’m taking the time to thank her: Hannah, thank you for going first and leaving love and advice in your wake. You ROCK it as a big sister. Through snow suits to power suits, you have held my hand and, at times, my hair while I vommed up cider.

Sal, this feels like a metaphor

Alex is two: a birthday on the broads

Happy birthday, Alex, you crazy-haired, stubborn, hilarious and happy little boy.

We celebrated your birthday with granny Rose and grumpa Ben. Your birthday falls on my favourite weekend of the year (bar bonfire night): Norfolk Heritage Weekend! All the museums are open and free! Nooks  and crannies round the county are thrown open to all! 

We did Yarmouth. Dodging rabid dogs and psycho seagulls, we clocked up the Tolhouse prison (‘mummy, what are gallows?’) and Fisherman’s Hospital and Museum on the Broads. 

It rained. You slept under my museum-issue poncho.

The next day, we had Peppa Pig cake and went to Wymondham for a vintage car fair.

 We had a picnic at the abbey and you romped around, tumbled about and clambered over gravestones and I thought I hope two gorgeous boys get hiccups on my grave when I’m six feet under. How lovely. 

We all had a super day and you were well chuffed with your pirate ship present that William commandeered. Thanks for sharing your presents, dribble and cake with us all today. You are utterly adorable. 

Deaf as a post

Things still feel a little raw with Alex and his list of woes, but his hearing is getting there.

Alex never passed his hearing test that they have done when they’re first born. I wasn’t too worried because I had other things going on at the time (ie, being shamed in to breastfeeding and, you know, bits dangling etc). Anyway, I was asked to go back later during all my free time on Mat leave.

First hearing test:

Had to bring William. Hadn’t twigged this was entirely inappropriate. I had to keep William and the new-born baby absolutely still and silent for about forty minutes. What an absolute joke. I was sweaty, stressed and upset and had to reschedule as they couldn’t get the result they needed.

Second hearing test:

Took the hint and left William at home. They set Alex up with wires behind his ears with little pads attached to his beautiful fluffy hair. He had a stinking cold and was breathing like a freight-train. They fussed and fidgeted wires and Alex lay placidly and let them but still no results. They ran clicky sounds through the wires and measured his responses through the computer. They couldn’t get the responses they needed. It was suggested that maybe his cold meant he couldn’t hear as he should.

IMG_1051.JPG
Momentarily snot-free
Third hearing test:

We go back again. He still has a cold. He’s already been in for a tongue-tie snip and I’m fed up with being in and out and worried that something is really the matter. More tests are performed in stuffy silence. I feel tense. He’s eventually given the diagnosis of glue-ear. This is nothing major and I’m relieved. I’m referred to ENT and sent home with a leaflet. He’s about four months old by this point.

Time passes. He’s now ten months old and our lovely health visitor comes to do his one year check. I tell half-truths and bluff Alex a pass. He shouldn’t have passed. He wasn’t sitting up. He wasn’t talking or babbling. He wasn’t crawling. He wasn’t playing. He couldn’t say mumma or dadda. I mentioned the hearing problem and she agrees to chase it up. She does. They’d accidently discharged him.

Fourth hearing test:

Alex is now 13 months old. We sit in a sound-proofed room and kind, lovely, patient audiologists put more wires and sticky pads on his beautiful blonde curly hair. Alex patiently, placidly sits another test he probably won’t pass. He doesn’t. His hearing is so bad that he can’t hear a phone ring. He’s never heard letter sounds or dogs bark or horns beep or water drip or rain fall or music play or my voice or his brother’s singing or his dad’s 80s rock.

ENT:

He’s now 14 months. I see the consultant in ENT. Alex is offered three options: 1) wait it out- he will grow out of glue ear by ‘twelve at the latest’. 2) Get grommets. 3) Get hearing aids. No way was I going to wait it out. No way was I going to let me little tiny quiet diddy boy go under general anaesthetic. Hearing aids, please. In and out in sub-5 minutes.

Fifth hearing test:

I sit with Alex on my knee in the sound-proof room, again. He has headphones on and a patient man with the oddest job in the world is showing Alex toys. The lovely audiologist is playing sounds in to the headphones from a booth outside the room. She’s behind a two-way mirror. There are TV screens to Alex’s left and right. She plays a sound in his right ear and, if he turns, she ‘rewards’ him with a picture of something funny on the TV screen. I dread to think how many he misses. She comes out with a chart showing his hearing is still as bad as it was at his last test. Now she knows what setting to put his hearing aids at. The next job is to make a mold of his ear and to choose which colours he wants both in.

Between measuring and fitting- bad times.

Christmas was in between the making and the fitting of his hearing aids. Those were long weeks. As Alex’s friends/mates’ babies of the same age were starting to walk, talk, babble and explore, Alex sat still, hunched and very very quiet. I still have some(lots) of guilt about the fact that I let him be like this. He was easy and William was full-throttle. Alex would sit meekly in his buggy and watch William hare about and I let him sit. People had started to notice he was different. Comments were made. I am sure they were well-meaning, but my tiny, silent baby was already troubling me. I didn’t need to hear about what google searches had suggested might be ‘wrong’ with him. Christmas 2015 was the worst. Without work to occupy me and friends to love me, I began to eat myself. I was convinced he had cerebral palsy. I was convinced my wedding ring was bringing me bad luck so took it off and hid it. I wasn’t sleeping. It wasn’t until I got back to work and, during an inset day, voiced these things to my funny, clever, kind and protective friends at school that I realised how peculiar and insular and bonkers I had got. Each friend had something wonderful to say and by the time we had all not listened to ‘Life After Levels and Data Training’  I was feeling more myself again.

The fitting:

I called in my reserves: my mum. She came sweeping up, filled the freezer with food, emptied bins, cleaned windows, read the boys’ books and came with me to Alex’s appointment to have his hearing aids fitted. I had taken the morning off work and I couldn’t bear the thought of sending him to the child-minders’ afterwards so mum was there.

We were back at the audiologists. Alex was on my lap and my mum was in the chair by our side. The audiologists gave grave warnings about how Alex might be upset, or  might try and take them out or might cry or might be fine or might become clingy. With that, she skilfully maneuvered  them in to his ears. I said ‘Hello, Alex’. He turned on my lap and looked up at me and beamed. Mum cooed ‘Alex’ and he turned to her and beamed. It was like a light had gone on in him. It was like all the videos on youtube you could watch and marvel at all in one. I was crying. My mum was crying. The audiologist was not, disappointingly, crying but did remark at how rare that reaction was. A colleague popped in and surveyed the feelings in the room and commented that we should’ve filmed it. It was amazing.

Delighted, elated and reassured, mum and I headed back to the car. I put Alex in his car seat and, for the first time, he filled it. He was sitting upright- he had unfurled. He was looking out of the window for the first time. I put on Dolly Parton and he looked confused but alert. (We would find out later that his is 100% committed to the 80s heavy  metal that his father had been playing to, literally, deaf ears).

When we got home, Alex picked up a toy of his. It started churning out the familiar tinkly song it’s always played and Alex looked at it like it was a miracle. Then he started to dance. He had never danced before and that boy was moving like a snake-hipped, leather-trousered salsa god. More crying ensued. Then I had to go to work where I proceeded to tell every one what miracle I had just witnessed.

a2 ha
‘And these things make noises, you say?’
Alex now:

Today Alex is still small, still snotty and still a nagging worry. But he’s also bloody trouble. He’s coming along and I couldn’t be prouder.

a1 haBrilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com