10 Signs You’re a Parent Who Teaches

This post first appeared on http://www.meetothermums.com and I love it so I’m putting it here too. Is that ok to say you love your own blog post? Sod it. 

  1. This is how you accessorise for work

 

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Packed lunch. Bag of marking. Bag of tat you don’t use but somewhere in there is your staff ID…

 

2) You get all your current affairs knowledge from the 16 minutes of the Today programme you catch on your commute.

 

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Evan Davies and the sunrise keeping me company

 

3) You spend morning briefing picking Weetabix off your shoulder

4) You laugh wanly when other working parents say they ‘come to work for a rest’ because they get to wee or drink tea whenever they like. #careergoals

5) Your sofa/office looks like this:

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Supper, discarded clothes Duplo and year nine report writing: I can have it all!

6) You welcome an entire class worth of 16 year olds with ‘Morning, puddle ducks!’

7) You keep your phone in your top drawer and pray it doesn’t ring with The Dreaded Call from nursery or school ‘William has just projectile vomited across the playground’ Well TOUGH, I’ve got double year 11 and we need to finish Macbeth.

8)  This is how you find out your child has hurt themselves:

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Helicopter parenting…via stickers

9) You go to your kid’s parents evening knowing you’ll be able to decipher the jargon: ‘Oh my child’s lively and enthusiastic is he…?’

10) This is about as powerful as you’ll ever feel:

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The pen is mightier than the lunchtime detention.

Are there any I have left out? Leave your tell-tale signs of being a parent/teacher below and feel free to share on social media. In fact, please do so I can get a book deal and retire from teaching and hopefully find my sofa again.

 

 

 

An Oliver Guide to a Wholesome Activity

1) Choose your moment 

Everyone knows the hours after the school run and before TV time are the best hours of the day to* attempt a high risk, high input task. 

Pale with exhaustion? Manic eyes? Perfect!

2) Be prepared 

Or not and have to go to One Stop with the 8million other school children spending their lunch money on Refresher bars. Buy ingredients/craft tools. 

3) Be wholesome!

Enjoy the six minutes before everyone loses interest. 

4) Let them eat cake(mixture)

Remember the injustice of not being allowed to lick the bowl as a child so find an egg-free recipe. Sally-1, Salmonella-0.

So. Friggin. Wholesome.

4) Survey the damage

The kids have drifted off. You’re knee deep in flour and washing up. You remember why you don’t do crafts. 

Don’t worry, I’ll do it.

5)  Ta da!

Present to the beloved the newly bathed/hosed down kids and their delightfully iced cake and the sparkling kitchen.  Feel smug. Feel accomplished. Until the sugar rush hits and someone gets smacked with a spoon. FFS. 

*cry/consider divorce/break up fights by shouting RIGHT! NO PAW PATROL TONIGHT AND I MEAN IT!

What kind of a parent are you? Take this quiz to find out!

Spent lot of time soul-searching about your parent style? Finding it tough to nail your niche? Well, mop that brow, grab a pen and do the WoWW’s quiz.

It’s Friday night: what are you doing?
a) Yoga

b) Sloshing wine in to a glass

c) Driving to the holiday home

 

What did you last feed your children?

a) Lentil and kidney bean bake

b) I don’t know- they eat at after-school club

c) I don’t know- the nanny feeds them

 

When was the last time you were alone?

a) Never-I still co-sleep with my four year old

b) When I locked myself in the cupboard under the stairs whilst pretending to look for gloves that I know don’t exist

c) Last week when I was skiing with pals from boarding school

 

Complete this sentence: most of my money goes on

a)…pottery lessons

b)…buying shit I don’t need online (and the postage for returns)

c) We don’t talk about money: it’s common

 

Describe your home in three words:

a) Warm, loving, creative

b) Messy, busy, chaotic

c) White, glass, curated

 

What is your screen saver?

a) We don’t have electronic devices in our home

b) A hotch potch of excel spreadsheets and to do lists

b) A professional photo of the children and me all dressed in white 

 

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Wow, it sounds like you’re a parent who is doing their best and you’re doing a great job of it.

Others  will envy your creativity and self-discipline and wish that they could be so patient with their children.

You’re bloody wonderful.

 

Mostly Bs: Wow, it sounds like you’re a parent who is doing their best and you’re doing a great job of it.

Others will envy your confidence and ability to accept something less than perfection.

You’re bloody wonderful.

 

Mostly Cs: Wow, it sounds like you’re a parent  who is doing their best and you’re doing a great job of it.

Others will envy your glamorous lifestyle and wish they could have the extra support you do and bit more time to themselves.

You’re bloody wonderful.

You’re all my sistas, even the mistas

Six Questions Scuzzy Parents Ask Themselves  

1) Exactly how long has that fruit bar been in my jacket pocket?

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If I just brush the fluff off…

2)  What is WITH the scale of the ninky nonk?

Head. Fuck.

3) How flexible are petite filous best before dates?

Probably fine

4)  How many snacks can be squished in to a car seat before it becomes unroadworthy?

Probably fine

5) Is it ever ok to eat from the buffet at a kids’ birthday party?

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Chuck us a Wotsit, Wills

6) What would I be doing right now if I didn’t have children…?

This

An Oliver Guide to the Perfect Christmas. 

We all wake up fresh faced and have croissants and hand squeezed orange juice for breakfast.

Get your own breakfast kids, your parents are hungover
After the children have their vitamin tablet and say their prayers of thanks to Our Lord, they exchange gifts. This year, the children made their presents for each other and DH and I donated the rest of their Christmas money to a charity the children chose themselves, The Pious Society of Do Gooders. #soblessed #rejectingcapitalism

Manic consumer eyes.
After an quick workout, I put on a mindfully curated Christmas outfit and whizz up a spinach cocktail in the Nutribullet.

Hops n forehead shine. Bosh. 
Christmas morning is such a joy: our home is filled with warm laughter, the tinkling of cutlery and the scent of White Company candles. I feel so lucky that our little unit can spend time together and that my children value it above all else. It’s a magical time.

KIDS! GET THE HELL IN HERE AND CLEAN THIS SHIT UP
After lunch, the children have fruit for their pudding and we spend some quality time chatting and playing board games.

Chocs and Paw Patrol
The rest of the day is a blur of fun and charity work until just before bed when we write our thank you letters and share loving thoughts.

I just loves pwesents, mummy.

An Oliver Guide to Bonfire Night 

Bonfire night is my most favourite night of the year: it’s my equivalent of Christmas. As everyone knows, high expectations are always a good idea. Try and make sure everyone realises how important the day is so that they will put in an extra big effort. Like they did for your birthday and mothers’ day, remember?

Step 1: A Wholesome Walk

Make sure you radiate enthusiasm close to Blue Peter presenter levels. That way, with a bit of luck, only one kid will have a shit fit about mud/rain/lost conkers. 

Look like you’re enjoying it.

Step 2: Make sure your kids are on their knees with exhaustion- that way you can all appreciate that the fireworks don’t start until 7.45pm. Try and hype them up to the point of tears by making them chase the beam of a torch like Katniss’s cat. 

Hyper

Step 3: Wrestle the kids in to multiple layers and sweat them in to Wellington boots. Try and do this after you’ve put all your own layers on and you can really work up a base layer of warmth. 

Muuuum. I neeed a weeee. #timing

Extra tip: Bonfire night usually takes place at night so it’s pretty much akin to a night out and therefore a fashion opportunity. 

Even I fancy myself in these knee-high knitted socks.

Step 4: This one is not easy but thoroughly recommended: en route, try to get pulled over by the police for driving without insurance.  The kids’ll find it really exciting and it’s guaranteed to put your husband in a raging good mood. 

Bollocks
Step 5:  On arrival there will be at least 15 seconds where no one is moaning and your children’s faces are aglow in the warmth of the fire and you’re all giggling in anticipation of the fireworks. TAKE A PHOTO. 
A bonfire night dreams are made of! We are so damn happy and wholesome!

Step 6: Leave early because the kids are cold and the older one cries when the fireworks bang and the toddler cries when they don’t. 

Enjoying the fireworks from the car park
Step 7: Dig deep to maintain a stony silence for the drive home and let the feelings of high expectations being bitterly disappointed wash over you. Build them back up in time for Christmas – what could possible go wrong?!