My Manifesto: austerity alternative

One of my many gifts- amongst my writing, teaching, conservation work, philanthropic deeds etc- is politics. I am blessed with a mind for numbers and diplomacy. Having had some time between book tours and TED talks, I have put my mind to fixing the economy.

And I’ve triumphed.

Below is my plan for pulling the pound up by its pants and giving our proud nation the economic input it needs.

Making Parents Pay

Any expectant parent who uses the phrase ‘babymoon’ must pay an immediate £25 fine.

Party bags should be for adults only and include a reimbursement for parking and time lost.

All unsolicited parenting advice will be met with an on the spot £20 fine.

Every time someone uses a euphemisms for female genitalia they should have to put a pound in the kitty jar (not a euphemism)

‘Gin O’clock’, ‘five past wine’ or ‘pass me the vino!’ result in a fixed penalty notice.

Gender reveal parties, occasions, cakes or dramatic announcements of any form will be met with a £190 surcharge.

Each of the following hashtags come with a hefty tax: #blessed #famalam #mumlife #momlife #myworld

Anyone found trolling on Mumsnet will be shot at dawn. Spectators can buy tickets.

I look forward to your vote!

4 thoughts on “My Manifesto: austerity alternative

  1. OK advice needed re euphemisms for female genitalia! Alex asked what Emmeline had instead of a penis in the bath tonight and Greg and I looked at each other and couldn’t answer! We’re blumming midwives and we simply didn’t know what to say…mons pubis or labia majora are too technical. Vagina is inaccurate. How crazy is it that there isn’t an accurate neutral word for female genitalia?!
    If you’ve found one, please share it!

  2. It so easy for me to be sniffy about euphemisms when I live in a house of boys! I think fanny is the female equivalent of willy, perhaps? I just think ‘foufou’ and ‘petal’ etc are exacerbating ideas around shame. Vulva is a lovely word- but I’m not sure the world is ready!

  3. Hi,
    “I am blessed with a mind for numbers and diplomacy”..
    Haha..Well I’ll guess we leave the #metoo discussion out then?
    I’m ‘stuck’ to the euro anyway..so I can’t help the female controlled Brexit! Bummer..
    Btw..what is a gender reveal party? Is there music?

  4. In my utopia there will be no Brexit! And a strict penalty for anyone who mentions it… Gender reveal party would be MUCH more for if for adults but sadly it’s an American thing where the foetus’s gender is…celebrated? Revealed? I dunno. It’s pretty revolting!

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