I’ve Never

It’s Friday(Saturday/Thursday) night so let’s put on a comfy cardie and get down to it!!!

Wahoo! LaydeeZ and gentz, grab a drink and let’s plaaaaay ‘I’ve Never…’

For those who’ve ‘never’, let me explain. The rules are simple. I say ‘I’ve never’ and if you have then you derrrrink.

Down it! Down it!

Let the gaaaames begin!

I’ve never…given my kids Calpol and sent them to school hoping they make it ’til 3pm

‘It’s only a minor fever. You’ll be fine. Now get your shoes on’

I’ve never…told my child soft play isn’t open at weekends

‘I don’t know why, sweetie, but that’s what the website says’

I’ve never…lied to the school about being too busy to help out with school trips

‘Oh I so wish I could but…’

I’ve never…had a grab bag of onion rings and a bottle Pinot and called it supper

Can’t face cooking. Haven’t done a food shop in a fortnight.

I’ve never…sent my children to school with unbrushed teeth/nits/dirty uniform/unmatching socks

Every day, pal.

I’ve never…threatened to cancel Christmas/a holiday/the tooth fairy/ a birthday party

‘And I mean it this time!’

I’ve never…put Trolls on at 10am

Close the curtains: call it a ‘cinema’.

I’ve never…bugger. I’m out of gin.

IWD: a survival guide

International Women’s Day is bloody ace. It’s a reminder to pay thanks and gratitude to the sisterhood that has your back all year. It’s a moment to celebrate women who’ve previously been ignored. And it’s a cracking good chance to reflect on a year’s progress. And what a year!

But there’s always a few who can’t understand it. Here’s the usual responses and how to counter them

What about International Men’s Day? How can you talk about equality when you get a day and we don’t?

You do. It’s in November.

I’m all for gender equality but it has to work both ways

That’s what gender equality means. To use synonyms, ‘all people are equal’. Gender=men and women and all genders. Equal=the same. You can’t be ‘more equal’.

Some feminists take it too far

Can you give me an example? Oh the suffragettes?! What a great 100-year old example. Men do dreadful things for power* and 100 years ago women did dreadful things (mostly to themselves) for equality. But yeah. Sure. Any more recent ones?

*96% of killings are by men and most of the 4% by women are in self-defence.

Women make a fuss about the small stuff- it’s ridiculous

Emojis matter. Blue liquid in sanitary towel ads matters. Language on birthday cards matters. Slogans on tshirts matter. We HAVE to sweat the small stuff because it signals that we will not tolerate the big stuff.

How can you be a feminist and…?

Wear lipstick? Work part-time? Use the word ‘wife’? I can be a feminist and do the heck I like- that’s the point. As Caitlin Moran says: ‘feminism isn’t a set of rules, it’s a set of tools’. And women AND men can use them.

Women have equality now

Privilege is saying something’s not a problem because it doesn’t affect you.

You’re a white, middle class, privileged woman.

Good point. I am. And I have a voice and a platform and I want to use this privilege to educate and reform. Intersectional feminism is about knowing the feminism and inequality and priorities vary depending on background and experience. But don’t silence my voice, just include another. Don’t ask ‘why should I listen to you?’ But listen and then hear someone else’s voice and experience too.

Sister. Mum. Me. White Middle Class women doing their best.

11 Stages of a Snow Day

Hope: the night before

Obsessive checking of the weather. Constant chat on WhatsApp. Mentally listing all the things you can ‘get on with’ if you have a day at home. Relentless running to the window to check the weather.

Agonising Optimism

It’s 6.15am. There’s a disappointingly inconclusive layer of snow. The Schools Closure website shows no schools closed. Refresh obsessively. You just need one hero head teacher to take the plunge and they’ll fall like dominoes. C’mon!

Pyjama Roulette

Stay in bed. Stay in bed. Stay in bed. Wait for text from school. Stay in bed. Shove wellies over pjs to de-ice the car. Refresh page. Check work emails. Text colleagues.


‘Surely they won’t make us go in when there’s MASSES/dusting of snow on the roads?’ Fake news of car pile-ups surface on WhatsApp. It’s irresponsible! This is the stage at which you may well reluctantly start putting your bra on.

Unencumbered Joy

School’s closed! Wild dancing. Disbelief. Euphoria. Delight.

Boden Moments

Everyone’s in bobble hats and laughing like goons and the world is white and quiet and full of play.

Fall Out

You’ve stayed out too long. Gloves are lost. Snow’s gone down collars and up sleeves. You bundle everyone in.

Steaming gloves and boots in puddles

TV marathon

Kids watch crap whilst you look at everyone’s snow pics on social media.

Round Two

You’re ready to go out again. Gloves are warm and damp from three hours on the radiator. You feret in the downstairs cupboard for old coats and miscellaneous gloves.

Alex has had his wellies parcel-taped to his trousers to stop the snow falling in. He’s wearing slipper socks for gloves. As am I.

Early to Bed

Hot chocolate. Hot water bottles. Bed.

Dreaming of just one more snow day…