What was the last question you asked yourself?
a) What’s the meaning of life?
b) Do we need more dishwasher tablets?
c) What did I come upstairs for?
Which was the last shop you visited?
b) One Stop
c) I can’t remember the last time I left the house
What was the last song you listened to?
a) A new release from an underground Afro/Cuban band
b) Baby Bum Nursery- Best of
c) My own ringtone when I couldn’t be arsed to answer it
Where was your last night out?
a) A private view at a local gallery
b) A quick curry at the local whilst the in-laws babysat
c) 24 hr Tesco for Calpol
Where are you going for your next holiday?
a) A detox yoga retreat in Crete
c) Anywhere with a crèche
What’s the most expensive thing you own?
a) My immaculate sports car
b) A Bugaboo
c) Medela breast pump
What are your hopes and dreams?
a) Corbyn for prime minister
b) A subscription to Now TV
c) 8 hours of straight sleep
Let’s face it, you’re pretty darn cool. Odds on, your kids old enough to be left alone at home/keep you informed of what’s hot and what’s not.
You may well miss having a bulletproof reason to stay at home and watch shit on TV.
You were cool once. Maybe. For a while. In the late ’90s. Chances are you’ve got a couple of under fives, a whopping mortgage and an instagram addiction.
You and your partner talk long in to the night about all the backpacking, raving and spiritual journeys you’ll do together when you retire.
You may well be glad that you don’t have to listen to progressive music and pretend you like it anymore.
You almost certainly have a newborn. You are too tired to even spell cool let alone worry about being it.
You realise you are the member of the coolest club ever- your new family. All else is shit.
Disclaimer: I fully appreciate anyone who’s cool would never use the word ‘cool’ but I can’t think of a suitable synonym. I dabbled with ‘fly’ but couldn’t take it seriously. Hip? Happening? On trend?
God, I’m old. And uncool.