How to Parent (according to Google images)

Pregnancy 


Well, this looks easy enough. Pregnant women just need to cup their bump and smile a lot. I mean, I guess I didn’t exactly nail this in my pregnancy: I just bemoaned my enormous bump and sweated a lot. I also forgot to stand in front of windows and look at my feet. Shit. I wonder whether I was really pregnant at all?

Childbirth



Well this definitely looks a bit harder but super excited to see men have the option to wear a suit on delivery suite. It kind of seems like women have to birth on their backs whilst men pet them on the head.  

Google also helpfully suggests ‘Graphic’ as a search option and my birth was defo graphic so I probably did it right. Despite the fact I was on all fours, mooing like a cow and screaming at my husband to stop bloody touching me. 

Also, isn’t that a scene from Alien top right? That sets some fairly unhelpful expectations. 

Breastfeeding 


This looks easy peasy: you just put on a white top and laugh. Nice one! 

I wore a grimace and a giant pair of maternity pants whilst I breastfed but then I was crap at breastfeeding so perhaps that was my problem all along. 

Being new parents 


Wowza Google- having a newborn is a real hoot! Maybe they’re all laughing about their decisions to buy white furniture and wear white clothes and, in fact, be predominantly white. How fascinating! I’m off to tug on a white shirt and smile at my husband. And maybe try for a third so this time I can spend the early days giggling rather than weeping and throwing breast pumps at the TV like I did previously. Whoops!
Thanks Google images for showing me the errors of my ways and teaching the next generation of mothers how to excel at the early days of parenting. Where would be without you?!

11 Signs the Summer’s Over

1) You and your beloved are back to TV dinners and sniping about washing up. 

2) You start to like your children a little bit more now you barely see them. 

3) You have to set a reminder on your phone for school pick up. 

Obviously this isn’t a year-round problem.
4) Your knowledge of current affairs is back up to ‘Acceptable’ now you’ve got a commute and some one on one time with Radio Four. 

5) You’ve forgotten your login password, photocopier code and all your work clothes feel tight

6) You’re back in waterproofs and having a blast wrestling under fives in to all-in-ones 

The face says it all.
7)  You know the exact date, time and minute your September pay cheque goes in. 

8) There’s a distinct rise in iPad usage as you need them to pipe down whilst you answer work emails. 

Just how I like them- hypnotised by the light of the iPad
9) Any remnants of tans are flaky, patchy and hidden under jeans. 

10) You’ll bump in to someone you’ve not seen for ages and you WILL have this conversation 

Them: ‘How was your summer!?’

You: ‘Ooh lovely thanks. Kids were a nightmare though. You?’

Them: ‘Good thanks. Seems like a lifetime ago though doesn’t it?’

You: ‘Yeah’

Them: ‘Yeah…’
11) Someone, some where, will ask you about Christmas. 

Where I go in my mind when someone asks me about Christmas

How Cool are YOU? Take this quiz to find out

 

What was the last question you asked yourself?

a) What’s the meaning of life?

b) Do we need more dishwasher tablets?

c) What did I come upstairs for?

 

Which was the last shop you visited?

a) Selfridges

b) One Stop

c) I can’t remember the last time I left the house

 

What was the last song you listened to?

a) A new release from an underground Afro/Cuban band

b) Baby Bum Nursery- Best of

c) My own ringtone when I couldn’t be arsed to answer it

 

Where was your last night out?

a) A private view at a local gallery

b) A quick curry at the local whilst the in-laws babysat

c) 24 hr Tesco for Calpol

 

Where are you going for your next holiday?

a) A detox yoga retreat in Crete

b) Legoland

c) Anywhere with a crèche

 

What’s the most expensive thing you own?

a) My immaculate sports car

b) A Bugaboo

c) Medela breast pump

 

What are your hopes and dreams?

a) Corbyn for prime minister

b) A subscription to Now TV

c) 8 hours of straight sleep

 

ANSWERS:

MOSTLY As

Let’s face it, you’re pretty darn cool. Odds on, your kids old enough to be left alone at home/keep you informed of what’s hot and what’s not.

You may well miss having a bulletproof reason to stay at home and watch shit on TV.

 

MOSTLY BS

You were cool once. Maybe. For a while. In the late ’90s. Chances are you’ve got a couple of under fives, a whopping mortgage and an instagram addiction.

You and your partner talk long in to the night about all the backpacking, raving and spiritual journeys you’ll do together when you retire.

You may well be glad that you don’t have to listen to progressive music and pretend you like it anymore.

MOSTLY CS

You almost certainly have a newborn. You are too tired to even spell cool let alone worry about being it.

You realise you are the member of the coolest club ever- your new family. All else is shit.

#squadgoals #coolgang #toouncoolforhashtags

Disclaimer: I fully appreciate anyone who’s cool would never use the word ‘cool’ but I can’t think of a suitable synonym. I dabbled with ‘fly’ but couldn’t take it seriously. Hip? Happening? On trend? 

God, I’m old. And uncool.