Wonderful Women

You’ve known me since college

When we were in our first jobs

We would drink tea and gossip

About how all men were knobs.

 

We would finish at four

And head to the pub

Meet up with our colleagues

And eat bar snacks for grub

 

Then we met lovers

Now husbands or exes

And discuss bitter bickers

Between the two sexes.

 

Then came the children

The fruit of our wombs

The soft plays and parties

In parish halls and front rooms

 

Mat leave meet ups followed

And spent up the Dinos

Where we talk politics by day

And at night became winos.

 

Then came the heart break

Of long-distance love

As some moved down south

Others miles above.

 

But when we meet up

The years melt away

You make me feel 20

And less wrinkly and grey.

 

We laugh at old jokes

Put the world to rights

And wonder if we can wear

Short skirts without tights.

 

You know the real me

A reminder of life

Before I became ‘Miss’

Or ‘mummy’ or wife.

 

We don’t really get mushy

Or acknowledge our luck

That we find each other interesting

And as funny as fuck.

 

But let me say now,

Though it’s not what we do,

That you’re all bloody marvellous

And I really love you.

Parenting Snakes and Ladders

Welcome to this exciting game. Choose a colour that doesn’t show the stains and let’s play!

Get everyone up, fed, shoed and out the door in time for the school run. 

Move forward three spaces and move quickly not unless you’ll miss the bell. 

Realise no one has had their teeth brushed. 

Shrug and remember they’ll grow another set. Shame on you for thinking that! Fall back two spaces!

Realise you’ve done three hours of the day with toddler breakfast wept on to your shoulder. 

Take two steps forward to the washing machine then three steps back to laundry basket to sniff-test another top to put on. 

Take toddler to a gymnastics class. 

Shimmy  forward two spaces. 

Piss yourself on the gymnastics trampoline. 

Serves you right, you smug twat. Slink back two spaces. 

Lunch is chocolate cake, Quavers and Paw Patrol. 

Go back two spaces and have a word with yourself. 

School pick up success! Someone spoke to you in the play ground and you respected boundaries and social norms! 

Skip forward four spaces hand in hand with your new friend. Let go of her hand or move back another space, needy!

Remember you’ve booked the kid a haircut and kid behaves immaculately throughout. 

Move forward two spaces: one for booking it, another for raising such a well behaved child. 

Haircut has exposed tan lines. You are negligent and now your child will get skin cancer/be really moley like you. 

Move back in time two months and apply suncream. 


It’s supper time- one nibbles elegantly on home-grown strawberries, the other refuses to eat anything other than Kinder Eggs. 

Make a move like parenting: one step forward, one step back.

 

Move forward a space for every thing you do that results in survival between 4pm and bedtime. 

Bedtime!

You win at Parenting Snakes and Ladders! 

Your prize is a spritzer and two episodes of 24 before bed. 

Great game! See you at 5am for another round!

Likes and Links: a blogging fantasy vs reality 

My favourite part of other people’s blogs is when they do Likes and Links which is where they take classy shots of products they’ve bought and loved. 

Here’s mine. 

I found it harder than I thought. 

Books: Fantasy 

I am loving this Pulitzer Prize winner and like to make notes about in my moleskin journal whilst I think profound thoughts. 

Reading by the sea

Books: Reality 
Reading a good book about why the Dutch are so damn good. I keep trying to remember the facts in it so I can astound dinner guests. Keep falling asleep after rereading the same page a dozen times. 

Reading in a sea of Lego

Beauty: Fantasy

I never pick my toenails and always remember to put on hand cream. 

Polish by Tom Ford. Rose from my garden

Beauty: Reality
My optician told me about this colour.  It cost £2.99 from Rimmel.  It never chips. Just goes to show the great heights that can come from shallow conversations. 

Polish endorsed by Rita Ora. Carnations from a pal two weeks ago.

Nightwear: Fantasy

My loungewear is always white cashmere. My nightwear is always silk. I never dribble on my ironed cotton pillowcase. 

I sleep like this

Nightwear: Reality 
Until this discovery, my fave PJ top was a Whitney Houston World Tour ’92 tshirt. Now? This Asda jumpsuit has solved all my cold midriff problems. It’s a pisser to go for a piss in though. 

I’d sleep with this


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