Precious moments 

When you’re tired and haven’t done a food shop since three weeks ago and you suddenly  realise that procreation is worth it because when you have kids you’ll always have oven-chips in the freezer. Winning. 

It also gives you a great excuse to not have to go out and stay in watching OitNB instead.

Parenting Snakes and Ladders

Welcome to this exciting game. Choose a colour that doesn’t show the stains and let’s play!

Get everyone up, fed, shoed and out the door in time for the school run. 

Move forward three spaces and move quickly not unless you’ll miss the bell. 

Realise no one has had their teeth brushed. 

Shrug and remember they’ll grow another set. Shame on you for thinking that! Fall back two spaces!

Realise you’ve done three hours of the day with toddler breakfast wept on to your shoulder. 

Take two steps forward to the washing machine then three steps back to laundry basket to sniff-test another top to put on. 

Take toddler to a gymnastics class. 

Shimmy  forward two spaces. 

Piss yourself on the gymnastics trampoline. 

Serves you right, you smug twat. Slink back two spaces. 

Lunch is chocolate cake, Quavers and Paw Patrol. 

Go back two spaces and have a word with yourself. 

School pick up success! Someone spoke to you in the play ground and you respected boundaries and social norms! 

Skip forward four spaces hand in hand with your new friend. Let go of her hand or move back another space, needy!

Remember you’ve booked the kid a haircut and kid behaves immaculately throughout. 

Move forward two spaces: one for booking it, another for raising such a well behaved child. 

Haircut has exposed tan lines. You are negligent and now your child will get skin cancer/be really moley like you. 

Move back in time two months and apply suncream. 


It’s supper time- one nibbles elegantly on home-grown strawberries, the other refuses to eat anything other than Kinder Eggs. 

Make a move like parenting: one step forward, one step back.

 

Move forward a space for every thing you do that results in survival between 4pm and bedtime. 

Bedtime!

You win at Parenting Snakes and Ladders! 

Your prize is a spritzer and two episodes of 24 before bed. 

Great game! See you at 5am for another round!

Likes and Links: a blogging fantasy vs reality 

My favourite part of other people’s blogs is when they do Likes and Links which is where they take classy shots of products they’ve bought and loved. 

Here’s mine. 

I found it harder than I thought. 

Books: Fantasy 

I am loving this Pulitzer Prize winner and like to make notes about in my moleskin journal whilst I think profound thoughts. 

Reading by the sea

Books: Reality 
Reading a good book about why the Dutch are so damn good. I keep trying to remember the facts in it so I can astound dinner guests. Keep falling asleep after rereading the same page a dozen times. 

Reading in a sea of Lego

Beauty: Fantasy

I never pick my toenails and always remember to put on hand cream. 

Polish by Tom Ford. Rose from my garden

Beauty: Reality
My optician told me about this colour.  It cost £2.99 from Rimmel.  It never chips. Just goes to show the great heights that can come from shallow conversations. 

Polish endorsed by Rita Ora. Carnations from a pal two weeks ago.

Nightwear: Fantasy

My loungewear is always white cashmere. My nightwear is always silk. I never dribble on my ironed cotton pillowcase. 

I sleep like this

Nightwear: Reality 
Until this discovery, my fave PJ top was a Whitney Houston World Tour ’92 tshirt. Now? This Asda jumpsuit has solved all my cold midriff problems. It’s a pisser to go for a piss in though. 

I’d sleep with this


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