NCT Can Do One

When I stay awake at night fantasising about all the ways I can make millions, I often come back to my alternative NCT plan. Still scratching around for names but the winner so far is ‘Sprogging for Slackers’. 

Here’s a sketchy outline of my ideas/principles. I’m considering crowd funding. 

NCT: pregnancy is a beautific experience 

Me: pregnancy is, at best, uncomfortable in a ‘I ate a too-big roast and now want to sleep on the sofa’ way. At worse; it’s the only time you will puke and cry and wet yourself at the same time. 



NCT: you can breathe your baby out to sounds of whale music 

Me: you can do whatever the eff you like: drugs, doolas, dads or no dads. Your womb: your rules. 



Nct: breast is best 

Me: breast, bottle, both. Whatever. 

NCT: having a baby together will shine joy on your relationship

Me: will it HELL. And never, never give sound to your 3AM inner voice: howcanyoulaytheresleepingwhenweareawakeandwhycantyoulactateyouuselessbastardsCURSETHEMISOGYNISTICGODS!

NCT: sleep when the baby sleeps 

Me: hahahahahahahahahaha



NCT: send you home with leaflets about hand expressing and how to recycle your nappies 

Me: I would send you home with a stash of shitey mags and the secret to exactly how much booze you can have before it affects the baby. 

So, I hope you like my business plan. Please leave in the comments any suggestions for the curriculum. Please also leave pledges for thousands of pounds so I can set up this gig up. 

One thought on “NCT Can Do One

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