When I stay awake at night fantasising about all the ways I can make millions, I often come back to my alternative NCT plan. Still scratching around for names but the winner so far is ‘Sprogging for Slackers’.
Here’s a sketchy outline of my ideas/principles. I’m considering crowd funding.
NCT: pregnancy is a beautific experience
Me: pregnancy is, at best, uncomfortable in a ‘I ate a too-big roast and now want to sleep on the sofa’ way. At worse; it’s the only time you will puke and cry and wet yourself at the same time.
NCT: you can breathe your baby out to sounds of whale music
Me: you can do whatever the eff you like: drugs, doolas, dads or no dads. Your womb: your rules.
Nct: breast is best
Me: breast, bottle, both. Whatever.
NCT: having a baby together will shine joy on your relationship
Me: will it HELL. And never, never give sound to your 3AM inner voice: howcanyoulaytheresleepingwhenweareawakeandwhycantyoulactateyouuselessbastardsCURSETHEMISOGYNISTICGODS!
NCT: sleep when the baby sleeps
NCT: send you home with leaflets about hand expressing and how to recycle your nappies
Me: I would send you home with a stash of shitey mags and the secret to exactly how much booze you can have before it affects the baby.
So, I hope you like my business plan. Please leave in the comments any suggestions for the curriculum. Please also leave pledges for thousands of pounds so I can set up this gig up.