An Oliver Guide to Bonfire Night 

Bonfire night is my most favourite night of the year: it’s my equivalent of Christmas. As everyone knows, high expectations are always a good idea. Try and make sure everyone realises how important the day is so that they will put in an extra big effort. Like they did for your birthday and mothers’ day, remember?

Step 1: A Wholesome Walk

Make sure you radiate enthusiasm close to Blue Peter presenter levels. That way, with a bit of luck, only one kid will have a shit fit about mud/rain/lost conkers. 

Look like you’re enjoying it.

Step 2: Make sure your kids are on their knees with exhaustion- that way you can all appreciate that the fireworks don’t start until 7.45pm. Try and hype them up to the point of tears by making them chase the beam of a torch like Katniss’s cat. 

Hyper

Step 3: Wrestle the kids in to multiple layers and sweat them in to Wellington boots. Try and do this after you’ve put all your own layers on and you can really work up a base layer of warmth. 

Muuuum. I neeed a weeee. #timing

Extra tip: Bonfire night usually takes place at night so it’s pretty much akin to a night out and therefore a fashion opportunity. 

Even I fancy myself in these knee-high knitted socks.

Step 4: This one is not easy but thoroughly recommended: en route, try to get pulled over by the police for driving without insurance.  The kids’ll find it really exciting and it’s guaranteed to put your husband in a raging good mood. 

Bollocks

Step 5:  On arrival there will be at least 15 seconds where no one is moaning and your children’s faces are aglow in the warmth of the fire and you’re all giggling in anticipation of the fireworks. TAKE A PHOTO. 

A bonfire night dreams are made of! We are so damn happy and wholesome!

Step 6: Leave early because the kids are cold and the older one cries when the fireworks bang and the toddler cries when they don’t. 

Enjoying the fireworks from the car park

Step 7: Dig deep to maintain a stony silence for the drive home and let the feelings of high expectations being bitterly disappointed wash over you. Build them back up in time for Christmas – what could possible go wrong?!